I have a constant need to please people.Today I went to visit a "friend" in the city over...now the majority of my friends live at least ten miles away, so it's nice knowing someone so close.
Only not really.
This kid is constantly an asshole to me. Maybe sometimes I snap at him for little reason, but he is such an instigator that it's not normally my fault.
Except, today....
he was so kind to me. It was so strange. I was...bashful? My personality is very bold, very dominating, unless I'm in an intimate relationship. (I feel like that part of my life gives me balance between two extremes. And it's always nice being with someone who can handle you...haha!)
This is, of course, my point; today was one of those times.
I've slept with this kid before. Lets call him V. V sort of forced himself on me the first time..but I could have fought it. I didn't. And I'm not at all proud; It was probably a few weeks after Master J and I "ended" things.
I so badly just needed to be wanted.
Today V had me over with every intention of sleeping with me. Normally I fight him, bitch at him, threaten him, because he is truly mean.
But this time.
This time he asked how I was; his toned immediately made me apologize for being so incredibly rude to him yesterday. He wrapped his arms around my waste and asked me what was going on, why things have been so rough lately.
Cue shyness.
He went to kiss me and pet my head like a dog.
I practically purred.
Then, very calmly, he tells me to get on my knees.
The power in his voice to me by surprise; I didn't question it at all.
That was it.
I obeyed so easily; too easily. Like he owned me.
"Turn around. Bend over."
Nothing.
"Well?"
Like a sheepish child I shrunk at the command, but complied.
"Do you like it?"
mmn.
"Answer me."
I whined and whimpered , mewing responses.
"I said tell me."
Yes.
"Say it again. "
Yes, sir.
"Good."
I don't remember much after that. I'm assumed I stopped talking at one point, because I got a swift slap in the ass and I was told to speak up. It was just so...wonderful to be in that state of mind again.
and I hate myself for enjoying it.
I remember another guy after Master J, sometime in July.
I remember saying "thank you" as soon as he was done. Luckily I cut myself off before 'sir' followed, because he just laughed at me.
I tried to explain I was conditioned for that, but I suppose it was just a waste of breath.
It's incredible what sets you off; it's incredible to think of yourself as filthy, unnatural, contradicting.
I have felt more and more isolated socially without Master J in my life. I socialize just fine, and though I feel as I'm growing back into my own, healing without him, I feel more and more like a freak with every day.
We've stopped talking at all. no communication at all between us.
this is incredibly pathetic, but it has been one whole week and I haven't heard anything from him.
I passed by a street today, coming home from that guy's house. Pembroke rd.
Master J's university is in Pembroke.
Cue guilt.
Cue tears.
Cue realization.
I'm trying so hard to fix a hole by filling another.
I wish I was like everyone else. relationships are practically meaningless; ever changing and never serious. there's no kink, element of power exchange, no dominance.
Dominance.
To feel powerless and owned by someone else.
to feel wanted. or loved.
there's none of that bullshit.
i feel so alone these days.
I'm truly ashamed.
I don't understand why i let myself be used; i keep going back for the attention and I only hurt myself.
I am the source of my downfall.
I cant even make sense of what I'm typing right now.
Just wanted to get today out of my head and into solid words.
I'm so done with my own bullshit.
Til net time,
Livvie
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