I know it's been a while, but I have only fond memories of your humor and how kind you were to me.
Rest easy Zach.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Fixing a hole
I have been in an awful state of being lately. Out-of-control, worse than it's ever been state of mind.
Today at work, someone complimented my smile.
I literally started crying on the spot.
Thank you so much, you have no idea what you did for me.
Today at work, someone complimented my smile.
I literally started crying on the spot.
Thank you so much, you have no idea what you did for me.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Time after time
Near five months since this whole fiasco with Master J. Five whole months. I can't even comprehend where the time went...the season's been a blur.
I finally put myself out there for someone new; I opened up to someone new to once again get thrown to the side.
This gentlemen I hd a thing for--a little thing, but it was something new; something I haven't felt for anyone new in a long time. Not since Master J. Someone funny and intelligent and just as sarcastic as I am; someone with such rare morals, far superior to my own, that I knew he couldn't want me for that one thing every man tries to use me for.
He even started telling me such ridiculous things. Really leading me on just to let me down.
I'm thrown around by everyone for so many different reasons and I am so tired of it.
This gentleman is my last straw.
I get so excited and hopeful so easily; so quickly.
This is an incredibly stupid thing to bitch about.
But so much has been going on lately I have no one and nothing to confine in. Too much to even review.
Nothing worth reliving.
I just took a hard fall of my high horse. I know I'll be fine but the embarrassment and hurt are still stinging.
Just some thoughts to get out of my head before bed.
Cheers,
Livvie
I finally put myself out there for someone new; I opened up to someone new to once again get thrown to the side.
This gentlemen I hd a thing for--a little thing, but it was something new; something I haven't felt for anyone new in a long time. Not since Master J. Someone funny and intelligent and just as sarcastic as I am; someone with such rare morals, far superior to my own, that I knew he couldn't want me for that one thing every man tries to use me for.
He even started telling me such ridiculous things. Really leading me on just to let me down.
I'm thrown around by everyone for so many different reasons and I am so tired of it.
This gentleman is my last straw.
I get so excited and hopeful so easily; so quickly.
This is an incredibly stupid thing to bitch about.
But so much has been going on lately I have no one and nothing to confine in. Too much to even review.
Nothing worth reliving.
I just took a hard fall of my high horse. I know I'll be fine but the embarrassment and hurt are still stinging.
Just some thoughts to get out of my head before bed.
Cheers,
Livvie
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
What if Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz was really an immigrant hooker.
She's trying her hardest to get home, even though she's known on the streets for her famous glittery red heels. She is Latin American and moves to East LA during the 1980s to liv with her Aunt Emilia and Uncle Hernandez, struggling blue collared coke addicts.
She is involved with the Colombian drug scene and one night when she's with one of her "clients", he drugs her and the Land of Oz is one giant acid trip, and each of her companions is a man she is with that night.
The Cowardly Lion is a peaky, middle age man with a comb-over and round rimmed glasses. He works for a geeky computer company, and his over-weight wife doesn't put out. He therefor hires a prostitute to sleep with him, though he is very nervous and edgy in the situation.
The Tin Man and an older, "stiffer" gentleman. His love was stolen away from him when he was young, and he hired a hit man to heartlessly kill her. He is very wealthy, but is miserable without her in his life. he treats her like a classy lady, and shows her a good time despite his age and lack of flexibility.
The Scarecrow is a young kid, in his mid-twenties. One of those newbies to gangster gangs that are still pretty good kids. He and Dorothy come from similar backgrounds, though he doesnt seem to be the sharpest tool in the shed. She enjoys her time with him the most that night, but they part ways without much thought.
The Wicked Witch of the West is really Dorothy's pimp's bottom bitch. She's incredibly jealous of Dorothy and is always out to fuck her up as a warning to stay away from "her" man.
Finally, The Wizard is a man looking out of the lens of a camera. He is filming a raunchy porno, and promised to send Dorothy back to her own country if she agreed to film his indie, hard-core porno. She agreed but took a cocktail of painkillers so she wouldn't remember the terrible experience. She is awoken by Aunt Emelia, who is shaking her as she lays in a pile of trashbags in a dumpster. She was tossed out of the complex after the movie was over because she was so coked out. The drugs give her crazy dreams about flying bikes and little dogs. She tries different drugs to try to reverse what she began. However the drugs drive her to insanity. She disappears; some say she finally cracked and she resorted to living alone in the country. Others say she made it big as a porn actress and made her way back to South America. Still others say you can see her strutting her stuff down on Yellow Rd, where her red heels click against the street's brick.
shit!
She is involved with the Colombian drug scene and one night when she's with one of her "clients", he drugs her and the Land of Oz is one giant acid trip, and each of her companions is a man she is with that night.
The Cowardly Lion is a peaky, middle age man with a comb-over and round rimmed glasses. He works for a geeky computer company, and his over-weight wife doesn't put out. He therefor hires a prostitute to sleep with him, though he is very nervous and edgy in the situation.
The Tin Man and an older, "stiffer" gentleman. His love was stolen away from him when he was young, and he hired a hit man to heartlessly kill her. He is very wealthy, but is miserable without her in his life. he treats her like a classy lady, and shows her a good time despite his age and lack of flexibility.
The Scarecrow is a young kid, in his mid-twenties. One of those newbies to gangster gangs that are still pretty good kids. He and Dorothy come from similar backgrounds, though he doesnt seem to be the sharpest tool in the shed. She enjoys her time with him the most that night, but they part ways without much thought.
The Wicked Witch of the West is really Dorothy's pimp's bottom bitch. She's incredibly jealous of Dorothy and is always out to fuck her up as a warning to stay away from "her" man.
Finally, The Wizard is a man looking out of the lens of a camera. He is filming a raunchy porno, and promised to send Dorothy back to her own country if she agreed to film his indie, hard-core porno. She agreed but took a cocktail of painkillers so she wouldn't remember the terrible experience. She is awoken by Aunt Emelia, who is shaking her as she lays in a pile of trashbags in a dumpster. She was tossed out of the complex after the movie was over because she was so coked out. The drugs give her crazy dreams about flying bikes and little dogs. She tries different drugs to try to reverse what she began. However the drugs drive her to insanity. She disappears; some say she finally cracked and she resorted to living alone in the country. Others say she made it big as a porn actress and made her way back to South America. Still others say you can see her strutting her stuff down on Yellow Rd, where her red heels click against the street's brick.
shit!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Lonesome Organist Rapes Page-Turner
I have a constant need to please people.Today I went to visit a "friend" in the city over...now the majority of my friends live at least ten miles away, so it's nice knowing someone so close.
Only not really.
This kid is constantly an asshole to me. Maybe sometimes I snap at him for little reason, but he is such an instigator that it's not normally my fault.
Except, today....
he was so kind to me. It was so strange. I was...bashful? My personality is very bold, very dominating, unless I'm in an intimate relationship. (I feel like that part of my life gives me balance between two extremes. And it's always nice being with someone who can handle you...haha!)
This is, of course, my point; today was one of those times.
I've slept with this kid before. Lets call him V. V sort of forced himself on me the first time..but I could have fought it. I didn't. And I'm not at all proud; It was probably a few weeks after Master J and I "ended" things.
I so badly just needed to be wanted.
Today V had me over with every intention of sleeping with me. Normally I fight him, bitch at him, threaten him, because he is truly mean.
But this time.
This time he asked how I was; his toned immediately made me apologize for being so incredibly rude to him yesterday. He wrapped his arms around my waste and asked me what was going on, why things have been so rough lately.
Cue shyness.
He went to kiss me and pet my head like a dog.
I practically purred.
Then, very calmly, he tells me to get on my knees.
The power in his voice to me by surprise; I didn't question it at all.
That was it.
I obeyed so easily; too easily. Like he owned me.
"Turn around. Bend over."
Nothing.
"Well?"
Like a sheepish child I shrunk at the command, but complied.
"Do you like it?"
mmn.
"Answer me."
I whined and whimpered , mewing responses.
"I said tell me."
Yes.
"Say it again. "
Yes, sir.
"Good."
I don't remember much after that. I'm assumed I stopped talking at one point, because I got a swift slap in the ass and I was told to speak up. It was just so...wonderful to be in that state of mind again.
and I hate myself for enjoying it.
I remember another guy after Master J, sometime in July.
I remember saying "thank you" as soon as he was done. Luckily I cut myself off before 'sir' followed, because he just laughed at me.
I tried to explain I was conditioned for that, but I suppose it was just a waste of breath.
It's incredible what sets you off; it's incredible to think of yourself as filthy, unnatural, contradicting.
I have felt more and more isolated socially without Master J in my life. I socialize just fine, and though I feel as I'm growing back into my own, healing without him, I feel more and more like a freak with every day.
We've stopped talking at all. no communication at all between us.
this is incredibly pathetic, but it has been one whole week and I haven't heard anything from him.
I passed by a street today, coming home from that guy's house. Pembroke rd.
Master J's university is in Pembroke.
Cue guilt.
Cue tears.
Cue realization.
I'm trying so hard to fix a hole by filling another.
I wish I was like everyone else. relationships are practically meaningless; ever changing and never serious. there's no kink, element of power exchange, no dominance.
Dominance.
To feel powerless and owned by someone else.
to feel wanted. or loved.
there's none of that bullshit.
i feel so alone these days.
I'm truly ashamed.
I don't understand why i let myself be used; i keep going back for the attention and I only hurt myself.
I am the source of my downfall.
I cant even make sense of what I'm typing right now.
Just wanted to get today out of my head and into solid words.
I'm so done with my own bullshit.
Til net time,
Livvie
Only not really.
This kid is constantly an asshole to me. Maybe sometimes I snap at him for little reason, but he is such an instigator that it's not normally my fault.
Except, today....
he was so kind to me. It was so strange. I was...bashful? My personality is very bold, very dominating, unless I'm in an intimate relationship. (I feel like that part of my life gives me balance between two extremes. And it's always nice being with someone who can handle you...haha!)
This is, of course, my point; today was one of those times.
I've slept with this kid before. Lets call him V. V sort of forced himself on me the first time..but I could have fought it. I didn't. And I'm not at all proud; It was probably a few weeks after Master J and I "ended" things.
I so badly just needed to be wanted.
Today V had me over with every intention of sleeping with me. Normally I fight him, bitch at him, threaten him, because he is truly mean.
But this time.
This time he asked how I was; his toned immediately made me apologize for being so incredibly rude to him yesterday. He wrapped his arms around my waste and asked me what was going on, why things have been so rough lately.
Cue shyness.
He went to kiss me and pet my head like a dog.
I practically purred.
Then, very calmly, he tells me to get on my knees.
The power in his voice to me by surprise; I didn't question it at all.
That was it.
I obeyed so easily; too easily. Like he owned me.
"Turn around. Bend over."
Nothing.
"Well?"
Like a sheepish child I shrunk at the command, but complied.
"Do you like it?"
mmn.
"Answer me."
I whined and whimpered , mewing responses.
"I said tell me."
Yes.
"Say it again. "
Yes, sir.
"Good."
I don't remember much after that. I'm assumed I stopped talking at one point, because I got a swift slap in the ass and I was told to speak up. It was just so...wonderful to be in that state of mind again.
and I hate myself for enjoying it.
I remember another guy after Master J, sometime in July.
I remember saying "thank you" as soon as he was done. Luckily I cut myself off before 'sir' followed, because he just laughed at me.
I tried to explain I was conditioned for that, but I suppose it was just a waste of breath.
It's incredible what sets you off; it's incredible to think of yourself as filthy, unnatural, contradicting.
I have felt more and more isolated socially without Master J in my life. I socialize just fine, and though I feel as I'm growing back into my own, healing without him, I feel more and more like a freak with every day.
We've stopped talking at all. no communication at all between us.
this is incredibly pathetic, but it has been one whole week and I haven't heard anything from him.
I passed by a street today, coming home from that guy's house. Pembroke rd.
Master J's university is in Pembroke.
Cue guilt.
Cue tears.
Cue realization.
I'm trying so hard to fix a hole by filling another.
I wish I was like everyone else. relationships are practically meaningless; ever changing and never serious. there's no kink, element of power exchange, no dominance.
Dominance.
To feel powerless and owned by someone else.
to feel wanted. or loved.
there's none of that bullshit.
i feel so alone these days.
I'm truly ashamed.
I don't understand why i let myself be used; i keep going back for the attention and I only hurt myself.
I am the source of my downfall.
I cant even make sense of what I'm typing right now.
Just wanted to get today out of my head and into solid words.
I'm so done with my own bullshit.
Til net time,
Livvie
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
An Introduction.
This is it.
Deep breath in; take the plunge.
I've finally worked up the nerve for a public blog.
I've been going back and forth about it for a while now. I've had the urge to get all my ideas down; things that get pushed aside, or swim around in your head and drive you to the edge.
I made excuses; "I'll never keep up with a blog," or, "no one will read it".
I've decided I do not give a fuck.
I need a place where I can just write. I can babble and cry and laugh and look back and say,
"woah. shit was crazy."
I can't stand being bottled up anymore. Lord knows I have no problem expressing my opinions, but my emotions, however...are a different story.
I've grown up in an open environment. I'm blunt--almost crudely honest. I have no problem with organizing my ideas into an honest opinion...too honest, maybe. My emotions, however, always end up scattered around. They're handfuls upon handfuls of post-it notes that someone threw into the air.
They litter streets.
So..that is why I'm here.
Excuse my manners;
Hi, hello. I'm Liv. Boston girl. Current agriculture student working to get my certification as a veterinary technician. It's my dream--my goal--to go to school for veterinary medicine. Specializing in large animals and equine science. I currently work at an ice-cream parlor, and a vet's office as a vet tech assistant.
I love the finer things in life...but I also love the smallest.
I love a boy. Plain and simple.
My lover, my Master, and my best friend.
. Our relationship is neglected and nearly abusive, not to mention long-distant.
It's incredibly, ridiculously, stupidly complicated.
We're not "together" per say. Maybe someday we'll finally have each other. Finally be happy.
Maybe not.
As of now..he needs to work on himself before we can work on us. He's a suffering addict and my heart's broken for him, but with me in his life, nothing will get better. As of now, we're not together for his own good; for his own safety.
I'll just refer to him as J from this point on.
I'll get back to that.
I love the colour red, my Morrisey glasses, photography, and haute couture make-up (which I'm pretty good at if i do say so myself). I'm raw and very, very passionate. I do try to keep an open mind, however.
Not that I'm a freakin saint or anything.
I suffer from bipolar mania. I can be the most pleasant, polite, energetic person you will ever come across, but I go through long bouts where the sarcasm is endless, the rage is unstoppable, and the tears are inevitable.
I'm really not a bad kid, but I do have my list of vices.
I also try to be as open as possible. However, my fascination (obsession?) with the BDSM community has lead to an introduction to a Master/slave lifestyle. I can't say it's as in-depth as I want it to be, especially when my [former] Master can't care for himself, nevermind me...
But I want to expand my horizons, learn new things, and grow with J. I want him to learn to be a better Master so I can learn to be a better slave...once he's "better"
I'm not quite sure any of this makes any sense.
But for my friends who are reading this, I guess I'm coming out to you.
It's nerve-wracking and a little scary, because though I may not act like anything bothers me...your opinions mean the most to me, and I desperately want your approval. But here goes it;
I am a leather-loving, submissive masochist.
I am a slave.
I am a bitch.
I am interested in a lifestyle that many people frown upon for many different reasons..I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I have fears and anger and darkness and dread that I hide from everyone.
But..
I'm also pretty smart. I work my ass off. I'm pretty social and I like to help and please people.
So through all the ups and downs, negatives and positives, good and bad, beautiful and ugly,
I'm just trying to take it a day at a time.
Cheers,
Livvie
Deep breath in; take the plunge.
I've finally worked up the nerve for a public blog.
I've been going back and forth about it for a while now. I've had the urge to get all my ideas down; things that get pushed aside, or swim around in your head and drive you to the edge.
I made excuses; "I'll never keep up with a blog," or, "no one will read it".
I've decided I do not give a fuck.
I need a place where I can just write. I can babble and cry and laugh and look back and say,
"woah. shit was crazy."
I can't stand being bottled up anymore. Lord knows I have no problem expressing my opinions, but my emotions, however...are a different story.
I've grown up in an open environment. I'm blunt--almost crudely honest. I have no problem with organizing my ideas into an honest opinion...too honest, maybe. My emotions, however, always end up scattered around. They're handfuls upon handfuls of post-it notes that someone threw into the air.
They litter streets.
So..that is why I'm here.
Excuse my manners;
Hi, hello. I'm Liv. Boston girl. Current agriculture student working to get my certification as a veterinary technician. It's my dream--my goal--to go to school for veterinary medicine. Specializing in large animals and equine science. I currently work at an ice-cream parlor, and a vet's office as a vet tech assistant.
I love the finer things in life...but I also love the smallest.
I love a boy. Plain and simple.
My lover, my Master, and my best friend.
. Our relationship is neglected and nearly abusive, not to mention long-distant.
It's incredibly, ridiculously, stupidly complicated.
We're not "together" per say. Maybe someday we'll finally have each other. Finally be happy.
Maybe not.
As of now..he needs to work on himself before we can work on us. He's a suffering addict and my heart's broken for him, but with me in his life, nothing will get better. As of now, we're not together for his own good; for his own safety.
I'll just refer to him as J from this point on.
I'll get back to that.
I love the colour red, my Morrisey glasses, photography, and haute couture make-up (which I'm pretty good at if i do say so myself). I'm raw and very, very passionate. I do try to keep an open mind, however.
Not that I'm a freakin saint or anything.
I suffer from bipolar mania. I can be the most pleasant, polite, energetic person you will ever come across, but I go through long bouts where the sarcasm is endless, the rage is unstoppable, and the tears are inevitable.
I'm really not a bad kid, but I do have my list of vices.
I also try to be as open as possible. However, my fascination (obsession?) with the BDSM community has lead to an introduction to a Master/slave lifestyle. I can't say it's as in-depth as I want it to be, especially when my [former] Master can't care for himself, nevermind me...
But I want to expand my horizons, learn new things, and grow with J. I want him to learn to be a better Master so I can learn to be a better slave...once he's "better"
I'm not quite sure any of this makes any sense.
But for my friends who are reading this, I guess I'm coming out to you.
It's nerve-wracking and a little scary, because though I may not act like anything bothers me...your opinions mean the most to me, and I desperately want your approval. But here goes it;
I am a leather-loving, submissive masochist.
I am a slave.
I am a bitch.
I am interested in a lifestyle that many people frown upon for many different reasons..I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I have fears and anger and darkness and dread that I hide from everyone.
But..
I'm also pretty smart. I work my ass off. I'm pretty social and I like to help and please people.
So through all the ups and downs, negatives and positives, good and bad, beautiful and ugly,
I'm just trying to take it a day at a time.
Cheers,
Livvie
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